I'm probably crazy

There's a void in my life. I think I've known what it was for quite a while now, but I've tried to ignore it. Or scorn it. Or hide from it.

Ultimately, I have no responsibility. Id est, I'm irresponsible.

Unfortunately, my parents love me too much and are worried nigh to death about me. Thus they say nothing. Unfortunately, my brothers also seem to love me too much and have taken the older brother position a little too seriously in protecting their youngest of kin. Thus they say nothing. Unfortunately, I don't tell my friends shit about what's going on in my life, except for the overarching, yet discriminately vague my-life's-in-shambles-I-need-some-goddamn-pie-let's-hang-out. Thus they say nothing.

Why the fuck would I care what a complete stranger thinks of what I'm doing with my life? Not that I've really met anyone with whom I'm relatively unacquainted with who has told me such. Regardless, it's principle. Therefore, their opinions mean nothing to me. This leaves me with few, if any, options of sources who could potentially be helpful.

Moving on. . . there's nothing for me to work towards. Nothing hinges on me. If I do nothing at all nothing catastrophic will happen. Now, I'm not trying to say I've got a god complex or that I need to be a totalitarian in order to be satisfied with myself. I am saying, however, that I need something that is dependent on me. It doesn't need to be large scale, but, at the same time, it can't be too small either. A job won't do then. Even if it was my own company I built from the beginning. Work will come and go -- much too fleeting for my selfish demands.

Education isn't the answer. It centers too much on my intrinsic betterment, but is circular in purpose. Learning feeds on itself. You can never learn enough and be done with it. Sure, it would take up my time and take my being mind off of things while additionally being wholly dependent on me, but it still doesn't deal with the looming issue: that whole responsibility thing.

Essentially, inanimate objects aren't things to be genuinely worried about. I mean, I would love have a perfect little house with everything just right in it, and then. . . what? Acquire more possessions? More belongings? I don't want to end up hording everything like a squirrel. Animals, while cute and cuddly and mostly faithful, don't fill this gap. Maybe I'm just biased, but (sometimes) logical human beings are more important to me than some other creature. Call me crazy, but I do hold my species in higher regard than any other, even though I'm occasionally misanthropic.

So. People are important. This is good. This is a step in the right direction. Yet I'm thinking it's not so much people, but person. Going along with that, the general attitude here is to get married. Find your soulmate. While this wouldn't be a bad thing, per se, as it would thrust some responsibility upon me, it's not nearly permanent enough or a sure enough thing, I guess, seeing as how the divorce rate seems to be as high as the marriage rate now.

Hyperbole. Sue me. People get over each other. Love can fade. Friendships end. We move on. What then?

Um. There definitely appears to be people who are utterly, completely, and thoroughly dependent on someone. This answer would be a child.

Yes. A child.

True, they can be taken from their parents by child services. True, they could look after themselves if needed at a remarkably young age (as I was witness in a documentary about Romanian orphans). True, they grow up and lose this dependency and become independent, uncaring, 27-year olds who still live at home.

Dammit, nothing's perfect.

Seriously, a child is all the responsibility a person could ever dream of inflicting upon anyone. You become responsible for someone's life. You could seriously fuck them up if you don't take it seriously. It's playing god on a small scale, so maybe I do have a god complex. In my diseased mind, this makes complete and perfect sense.

Now, I'm not going to rush out and knock up some chick just to satiate this somewhat odd desire. Maybe my biological clock is ticking but I was under the impression that distinction belonged to the gender without a Y-chromosome. Furthermore, it's a flawed idea because this is such a selfish thing I want. Yes, I would hope that I raise the child well and that he/she will be happy, but it's all stemmed from wanting to remove this rancored abscess that my life has festered into and just drain it all away.

Flush it out and start over from a cleaner standpoint. Lance the wound so it can heal. I've focused on myself for long enough now, and I'm tired of being so consistently selfish. Yeah, yeah, woe is me.

I want something pure and unadulterated, untouched by the world. I want full responsibility over another life when I can't deal with my own. I want a purpose. And it scares the hell out of me.

Addendum: I love rereading at a later date how fantastically incoherent and absurd these little posts of mine are.